When Maintaining is Not Enough

I shouldn't be writing this. I am frustrated and severely lacking motivation. But I work hard to make this blog real- all of my ups and downs in striving to be "healthy ashley." So I write tonight to represent women who are frustrated when their hard work just doesn't pay off.

Tonight I used the LifeCenter at my gym (a small booth that measures and tracks weight, cholesterol, heart rate, body fat, etc.) before my appointment with my personal trainer. End result: the numbers are the same as two months ago. All the numbers are the same. Even body fat- so it's not like I've just "gained muscle."
I feel great. I'm happy and strong and feel tight all over (woohoo!). But I am over the weight I should be. I don't fit into my normal jeans-- and I really don't fit into my skinny jeans.

So I get new workouts from a personal trainer every week, exercise as much as I can, limit my calories and eat mostly whole foods. Yet I maintain. It pisses me off.

Really I know I need to hit the calorie range 1400-1500 each day and I will lose, but right now I'm really upset that the things I'm doing already should be working... yet nothing changes at all.

So tonight I cut my workout short, ate a bowl of cereal and am going to bed without cleaning the house.

So when you're fed up and need to quit for the day, it's okay. You're not alone. Tomorrow I will think of my half marathon in January, how strong I am from my new workouts and the nutrients I consciously put into my body each day. But tonight I am pissed that every stupid number stayed the same. And my jeans still won't fit.

Gone.

I remember buying these. Size 2- and they were baggy. I am 5'9"... wow.


Never again will I weigh myself and think "I wonder how low that number can go." Never again will I need to be the smallest person in the room. Never again will I compromise my body, my health and my happiness to meet asinine demands set up by a twisted, impersonal industry.


Take that, fashion.

{137}

I am saying No! to the brownies in the kitchen because I don't need them. I've already had a fantastic treat, and brownies will only make me feel gross and weigh-in more in the morning! So.... do you hear that, brownies?!?! NO!

Geesh.

Also, I have re-evaluated my goal weight. I've thought hard about how my eating disorder can creep into my daily life today. 134 is a number I associate with 'skinny'. My 'skinny' reasons are more for other people and in my mind are unachievable without sacrificing my well-being. So I am moving my goal to 136. It is only 2 pounds more, but it is a huge mental thing with me.

I also need to really evaluate getting rid of a few pairs of jeans that I have been holding onto. They are very small- the jeans I fit into when my weight dropped to 120. I bought these jeans when I was forced to gain weight, as a sort of promise to myself that I would lose the weight that I was gaining. (If I didn't gain weight, I wouldn't be able to have kids- I had way too little body fat for my body to do anything.) Holding on to these pants has allowed me to easily slip into ill thinking. In March last year I shed a few pounds and got to a healthy 137. I felt so good. Really, my body was perfect at that weight. I was exercising, had energy and would jump into a bathing suit without anyone asking twice! But, in all my glory, I still secretly tried on my too-tight pants and told myself how I needed to be 'skinny.' Well, no thank you! I am not going there again!

I don't think I can let go right now, but I need to liberate myself by removing these pants from my closet. My goal now is to be healthy, strong and hot! "Hot" isn't skinny. Hot has shape.

p.s.- Thank you for all of your support with my relationship issues the past few days. It really helps. Right now David and I are trying to work through some things. It's still not easy!