{137}

I am saying No! to the brownies in the kitchen because I don't need them. I've already had a fantastic treat, and brownies will only make me feel gross and weigh-in more in the morning! So.... do you hear that, brownies?!?! NO!

Geesh.

Also, I have re-evaluated my goal weight. I've thought hard about how my eating disorder can creep into my daily life today. 134 is a number I associate with 'skinny'. My 'skinny' reasons are more for other people and in my mind are unachievable without sacrificing my well-being. So I am moving my goal to 136. It is only 2 pounds more, but it is a huge mental thing with me.

I also need to really evaluate getting rid of a few pairs of jeans that I have been holding onto. They are very small- the jeans I fit into when my weight dropped to 120. I bought these jeans when I was forced to gain weight, as a sort of promise to myself that I would lose the weight that I was gaining. (If I didn't gain weight, I wouldn't be able to have kids- I had way too little body fat for my body to do anything.) Holding on to these pants has allowed me to easily slip into ill thinking. In March last year I shed a few pounds and got to a healthy 137. I felt so good. Really, my body was perfect at that weight. I was exercising, had energy and would jump into a bathing suit without anyone asking twice! But, in all my glory, I still secretly tried on my too-tight pants and told myself how I needed to be 'skinny.' Well, no thank you! I am not going there again!

I don't think I can let go right now, but I need to liberate myself by removing these pants from my closet. My goal now is to be healthy, strong and hot! "Hot" isn't skinny. Hot has shape.

p.s.- Thank you for all of your support with my relationship issues the past few days. It really helps. Right now David and I are trying to work through some things. It's still not easy!